i keep breaking my heart.   
over and over and over again.  
i'm dumb.

Current Mood: stupid

my parents took me clothes shopping for christmas.
thank you jesus, for not actually being born on christmas, but letting america celebrate anyway. by giving. clothes. to me.

I also went to this amazing cooking store called sur la table. they had everything.
I found my cannoli forms = I'm finally be making those cannoli's as soon as I get home to my kitchen.
 Then I accidentally wandered into the coffee section. big mistake = best cup of coffee in gainesville is at my house.
 

I need to focus on actually making money. I really want to start silkscreening. I'm going to clean up the little area in the backyard.  and the back yard.  and actually doing something with it.  I just spent four hours looking at clothes online, most of the graphics were awful.  some of them gave me some good ideas.  so there you go.
Also on my art show.  
And dodging the school question.  I told my parents I was trying to focus on learning some languages.  Doesn't seem like I'm actually making any progress unless I'm in school.  

I'd rather start a photolab.  In downtown-ish gainesville somewhere.  Maybe near the chung-ching?  That would be amazing.  Memebership could pay for the equipment/rent/chemicals.  And if there's a good photography community maybe film can stay alive in gainesville a little longer.  My heart broke when harmon's said they stopped ordering 3200 iso film.  Why?  They also informed me Kodak completely stopped making black and white infrared film.
Kodak sucks anyway, it was only a matter of time before they sucked even more.
I need to scan in all the black and white photos I'm using for my art show.  And then I'm sure I'm in.  I know it.  Randy doesn't even know it yet.

Uh.  I"m bored.  I've been writing in here way too much.  I'll be back soon enough. 

Current Location: Westerville, Ohio
Current Mood: restless
Current Music: Ball game.

The family went to cosi today. It was intense. I didn't like it as much as the older location. I remember it a lot better, everything was better. This was the dumbed down version.

I mean. It was still amazing.
But over-priced and over-hyped for sure.

My mom started telling me stories from when I was younger. Mostly because I asked her if I was a light sleeper when I was younger. She went into detail, "JESUS, i was afraid for the moment you awoke, you were unstoppable when you woke up, you needed a whole row of things to do as soon as you woke up. Always on the move, such high energy. You hated sleeping so much you actually fell over, asleep, while walking to your toys but you insisted you weren't tired and you wanted to play more." I remember having an overactive imagination.

She said I hated wearing clothes. She couldn't get me to ever wear them, even when she dressed me. eventually i'd shed them all off. eventually we compromised on a skirt, no shirt. then i started wearing dresses. how i loved dresses. which i clearly remember. until 4th grade i was almost always in a dress. She told me about the day when I came home from school in a new pair of clothes. Not wearing the dress I left in. Apparently I got bullied and attacked by a bunch of boys at my school and they tore off my dress. the office gave me a pair of clothes from lost in found. she said i never wore dresses after that.
Which I had no memeory of any of that. Although, I have a really good memory for that kind of thing. Crazy.

I always forget how much everyone still carries from their childhood. I still don't like wearing dresses.
Everything here, it's been bringing up so many memories from twelve and under. I laid awake for hours last night remembering. It was nice.

Current Location: Westerville, Ohio
Current Mood: blank
Current Music: some trial on tv?

Ohio is so crazy. I think it's the one place in the world that makes me miss gainesville.
I do love seeing all the family though. It only really happens once a year.


I think my mother is using my nephew as an excuse to act senile without us making fun of her. she's been walking around my grandmother's house in circles saying phrases like
"cheese grater! yes cheese grater."
walking a few more steps and saying "christmas tree, yes. twinkly. sparkly. christmas tree!"
while carrying little baby jack around.
except we still make fun of her.


I'm reading my new books in this order:
David Sedaris
Haruki Murakami
Dean Cylon
Henry Miller
Milan Kundera
Henry Miller
Albert Camus

I'm in a serious need of some espresso..
addictions are the worst.
See. I thought I had something to say.
I guess not.
I'll update later.
because I'm in Ohio.
And. Bored to tears.

Current Location: Grandma's House!
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: senile mom.

-you mean night?


i find it absolutely fascinating how one little event, a few conversations can turn around even the worst kind of days. whole weeks even. i catch myself smiling for no particular reason now.

i was sad today when i realized what was happening in my living situation.
it's going to change.

i'm so excited about my mountain bike. i went to the factory and saw it and practically passed out when i saw it. for several reasons. i still have $1200 to pay for by this friday. plus rent. plus. life.

i feel like i've been not making it financially for quite a few months now. i just can't seem to feel comfortable. between credit cards, gru, cars, bikes, and rent. it's wearing me down.


also:

Current Music: i'm sorry i love you - mag fields

holycrap journal! where have you been?


i just did 25 pullups. i'm a monster.
they were assisted.


i just made soup too. udon noodle soup. yesterday was a squash festival. in my kitchen. I made acorn squash bisque and pumpkin pie. the udon is delicious.

life is so much better without rock gym noise.
even climbing is more enjoyable.


i went to a potluck the other night. apparently it was just a bunch of art major students were there. i knew a few faces. no names. nobody bothered to introduce themselves. nobody bothered to talk to me either. it was by far the most cold, awkward event i've been to in quite a while. artists are pretty chatty, usually in a hurry to talk about themselves. especially to someone new.
i breathed a sigh of relief knowing my instincts were right. uf art program sucks. a lot. and i'm not going to involve myself there whatsoever. its hard to believe in a town with all this stagnancy and negativity that someone can pull quality art/teachers out of that university. who knows? it's not like i can talk too much shit, look at me?




someone called up sweetwater today looking for a job. they were chewing food when they asked.. seriously. who does that?

this place is so wonderful.
i forget. i've got to get out of gainesville.
this is my last year. and that's that.

I love how just about every cafe in this town can actually understand coffee.
how it seems like nothing here.
it confronts my whole uncertainty about coffee/florida.

harry potter was great.
i'm going to try to go see sicko. in honors of my demotion at sweetwater. which is out in the open officially. the unspoken demotion. no no wait. I was "totally demoted" as nora explained it to my mother.
maybe when I live in seattle i'll be working for a roaster who actually respects me as a fellow human being and employee. and not just some pincushion to take out all of the hatred they have for life on.

everything is so clean and clear when I'm out of that city.

uhm. I'm going to go walk around some more. I've already lost days here.

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: something classical.

okay. so today work was fucked and stupid.
and in general has been leaving me in a pretty terrible mood.

today both chris and nora were telling regular visitors that I hated my job now, and they were expecting me to quit any day. which is bullshit. all of it is. because I honestly love that job. I wake up every morning looking forward to the job. but what the fuck, if you're going to constantly criticize me and treat me like shit, i'm not going to be in a good mood all day. and i'm not going to look forward to being there.

I'm at the gym right now...and I don't think I'll actually sit here a form what I really want to say. so I'll skip. I'm just so fucking aggravated. I figured I should vent. But it seems silly now. That I'm sitting here at the gym. Venting on an online journal about my other job.

silly.

.

I hate it when you are sad and quiet and feel totally weird one day, when you come to realize that nobody around you knows any different of you. It only feeds the sad problem.

My throat really hurts. I should be eating a ton of garlic, and saving money...but I just ordered a massive amount of sushi. and every delicious bite will be well worth it.

I haven't written in a long time. Anything anywhere. I haven't made any art. I haven't taken any photographs, or gotten any pictures developed. Or made any clothes. Or cooked. or watched any movies. Or listened to much of anything besides the radio at work, which is mostly depressing news and reggae. It seems like everything I really loved to has been thrown into a box somewhere. And I don't have the time to find it.
Or even for a fucking haircut. It's not fair.

At least I'll have seattle in a month. And portland. Even if I end up going alone...which it looks like might happen.




I just wish things were a little bit different.

Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: subtle hum of the fan.

so diane left, for good. which I guess we all knew. now it's just me chris and nora. and it's actually really good. we all work really well together.

it was funny chris turned to me a few days ago was like "you god it, you got the job." and then explained "kate is gone. now diane is gone. and it's all you." it was funny because he said it in a very charlie and willy wonka kind of way, like the candy factory is mine now.
let's hop in an elevator and climb until we burst though the roof.
which is just funny because i have often thought of him as a willy wonka of the coffee industry.

i missed a phone call today. i didn't even catch the actual call and i just couldn't stop smiling. it felt really nice to feel that again. it's been a while. i guess it's why i'm trying not to think about it.


anyway. i didn't have too much to say. besides that.



i'm going to see lex tomorrow about a mt bike frame. wish me luck?

Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: broken social scene